Adam the Ficus

I have a cousin, Todd, who is 64 days younger than me. We rarely got along well - being so close in age. I often got jealous of him, and his awesomeness, like being over 5-foot-7, and not having to drive our Grandma's car because his parents gave him a vintage Mustang convertible instead of handing him down an '81 Buick. Things like that.

But at no time was I more jealous than December, 1976. That's when he got a baby brother, Adam. I didn't have an Adam and I wanted one. But Grandma's aren't just good for '81 Buicks. No, Grandma brought the goods. I got a My Buddy doll. I named him Adam. I carried him by his hair until all that remained were a few synthetic strands of nylon and craters that looked like failed hair plugs.

22 years later, and it's time to name my pet ficus. HEY! PLANTS ARE LIVING THINGS! You CAN name them! Quite frankly, there was only one name that conjures the same, lifelong affection of a best friend. Adam. My Buddy. My Tree.

If I weren't an actuary...

I often wonder what I'd be if I weren't a mathmagician.

I've narrowed it down to 5 occupations

5) Horticulturist. I already know all about mowing grass and once, after nearly killing my ficus tree - seriously it was down to 1 leaf - I grew it 'til it was almost 6 feet tall. I named my tree Adam. If you want to know why, you'll have to come back to Classic Anecdotes again. Oh, my dumb cat killed it when she peed on it. I killed euthanized her.

4) Author. Not like big books. But like children's stories. Pickles the Dragon is a classic example. Pickles cooks all the pizza at the big festival.

3) Action Movie Star. Beneath these boyish good looks, easy going attitude and 30 lbs of flab is a bad-ass. Ask that dumb cat. That's right, she's dead. 'Nuff said.

2) Accountant. This would have never worked. I couldn't handle being made fun of by the actuaries.

1) Christian Rock Star. This may still happen. I am looking for an agent, some other guys to join in, and some talent.

Luckily, the world knows me as an actuary where I can bless the world as *"a person who calculates insurance and annuity premiums, reserves, and dividends."

* Special thanks to m-w.com for that definition

My Sister-in-law is a ...

HO BAG!

I came home yesterday from a hard day of actuary-ing to find a positive pregnancy test sitting neatly on the top of the trash.

I do a double take - 'cause why is it in the trash? Then I'm like, who's that ho sleeping with?!?!

Then it becomes obvious that the pregnancy test is marked "+" in a black sharpie pen. All my sister-in-law's idea.

HO BAG!

So that's where this goes?

I sweat. A lot. I sweat in the dead of winter. But now it's summer and it's a whole new kind of sweat. I'm like the Tiger Woods of perspiration.

I sweat all over the place, even in sensitive areas.

So I go to Target and pick up a little antifungal spray to help give me some relief. I buy Lotrimin.

Thankfully, the graphic artists over there at Schering-Plough HealthCare Products Inc. give you all the info you need to use jock itch spray.

As if the yellow highlighting didn't give it away, they graciously added bullseye circles and four arrows.

Phew! And to think I almost used that on my feet.